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Talking the Taboo

What we say.

It goes well with those shoes.

What we want to say but don’t.

Are you going out in that?

What we say.

You’ll be fine.

What we want to say but don’t.

You know how you’re dying? What does that feel like?

What she said.

Tonight? Well that would be very nice.

What she could have said but didn’t.

Tonight? No I don’t want to come out with you tonight, or any other night. I don’t like you. Your trousers are too short, you smell and you make horrible snorting noises in your cubicle.

What her son said.

I’m off out. See you.

What her son didn’t say.

I’m off out. I’ve taken a twenty pound note out of your purse. I’ll forget all about it later. You’ll notice but you’ll be too embarrassed to ask for it back. See you.

What a brother said.

Stand right there. This’ll be a great shot.

What a brother didn’t say.

This’ll be a great shot. I’ll tell everybody it was supposed to be a shot of the Arc de Triomphe but your arse so completely blots out the whole width of the thing, you can’t even tell we’re in Paris.

What a pushover said.

It was a bit pricey but … you’d never know the car had ever been in an accident.

What she should have said but didn’t.

Remember when you did it, you offered to pay for the damage?

What we say.

Don’t worry about it.

What we should say but don’t.

I’m glad you say you’re sorry. I don’t think you are. You were entirely to blame. And next time you ask, I’ll say no.

What the cowboy says.

I might be able to get one at cost price.

What he could say but doesn’t.

I’ve got one of these in my van but I’ll sell it to you cost price because it’s already been paid for by another customer who doesn’t know it was surplus to requirements so I’m pocketing 200% clear profit. OK? Great.

What the second opinion cowboy says

Sssssss. Oh dear dear dear dear dear.

What he could say but doesn’t.

This twenty minute plumbing job could spin out to about three weeks if I … Tell you what I can do for you. I’ll go away just now but I’ll leave my bucket here. I’ll come back on Tuesday … no … Thursday with a long story about a flooded kitchen or something and then I’ll charge you … let’s not be too greedy … eight … all right, I’ll do you for a grand by the end of the job which I could do right now for about a fiver and this washer I’ve got in my pocket. OK? Great.

What we always say.

Isn’t she lovely!

What we could say but never do!

What a plug ugly baby!

What she and we all said.

We will all miss him. He was a wonderful, generous man.

What’s being said now.

Now that the old pervert is dead, and there’s enough of us speaking up that we might at last be believed, we’re disgusted that because we were just expendable little girls, we could never speak up before. But you watch! The minds and the bravery of little girls.


What I said.

“Read this guy’s book about his amazing, inspirational, humbling achievements and never believe you’re beaten because this proves the tenacity, bravery and integrity of the human spirit. This man is a true hero.”

What I’m saying now.


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